somejauntypolka: (Audrey - pondering)
[personal profile] somejauntypolka
There is a history of trauma abuse in my family that spans generations. This legacy finds my mother entering her crone years not in wisdom and grace but in mortal combat with mental illness. This truth has touched my father and myself as well - both of us unwillingly caught in the periphery of the blast. As a result, contact with my biological family on my mother's side is minimal. Bitterness, anger and disfunction have thrived in that garden. Each and every contact is marred by bad memories and suspicion.

So imagine my ambivalence when a cousin decided to reach out to me on Facebook. Since then, one cousin has led to another and in a few short weeks, I find myself suddenly, with family. In her message, she reminded me that our tanty (grandmother) had 10 children after all. There are many more cousins to be found.

This is odd for me. I'm in my thirties now, and some of them are older still. I mean, I've lived my whole life with it being just me my mom and my dad and a couple of uncles and in laws on my dad's side. Although my dad isn't my father by blood, he's the only dad I will ever know. With these cousins however, I share the almighty blood.

So what's is the point of this contact? Biology? Shared history? What do we really have to say to each other? So far our messages look a little like personal ads: 33/f/vancouver, no smoking, no kids. I don't know if I'll ever see these strangers. Don't even know how long this will last. I am poor at keeping in touch.

I feel so uncertain. A smaller, younger part of me remembers vividly the meaness and cruelty that I experienced by them when we were kids. Then later, the chaos created by aunts when I was a teen/woman. There are no good memories. Despite this, another part of me hopes that a connection can be made. Maybe I'll be able to unravel a bit more of this tangled picture and ease open a knot that's so tight it hurts every day. That maybe I'll get to see that I'm not alone in bearing this load.
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