somejauntypolka: (Audrey - pondering)
[personal profile] somejauntypolka
There is a history of trauma abuse in my family that spans generations. This legacy finds my mother entering her crone years not in wisdom and grace but in mortal combat with mental illness. This truth has touched my father and myself as well - both of us unwillingly caught in the periphery of the blast. As a result, contact with my biological family on my mother's side is minimal. Bitterness, anger and disfunction have thrived in that garden. Each and every contact is marred by bad memories and suspicion.

So imagine my ambivalence when a cousin decided to reach out to me on Facebook. Since then, one cousin has led to another and in a few short weeks, I find myself suddenly, with family. In her message, she reminded me that our tanty (grandmother) had 10 children after all. There are many more cousins to be found.

This is odd for me. I'm in my thirties now, and some of them are older still. I mean, I've lived my whole life with it being just me my mom and my dad and a couple of uncles and in laws on my dad's side. Although my dad isn't my father by blood, he's the only dad I will ever know. With these cousins however, I share the almighty blood.

So what's is the point of this contact? Biology? Shared history? What do we really have to say to each other? So far our messages look a little like personal ads: 33/f/vancouver, no smoking, no kids. I don't know if I'll ever see these strangers. Don't even know how long this will last. I am poor at keeping in touch.

I feel so uncertain. A smaller, younger part of me remembers vividly the meaness and cruelty that I experienced by them when we were kids. Then later, the chaos created by aunts when I was a teen/woman. There are no good memories. Despite this, another part of me hopes that a connection can be made. Maybe I'll be able to unravel a bit more of this tangled picture and ease open a knot that's so tight it hurts every day. That maybe I'll get to see that I'm not alone in bearing this load.

Date: 2008-09-22 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Family are the people who love and care for you. These people are relations, and you owe them nothing more than that acknowledgment. If you are curious to find out what they're like, by all means contact them, you may discover a new source of love and support. But if it's nothing but grief and poison, you have no obligation to continue contact.

Date: 2008-09-22 01:46 am (UTC)

Date: 2008-09-23 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I know I know. I learned that from Quixote... Relations and family are really something different. Contact is just that, contact. If I don't want it I can stop it.

Date: 2008-09-22 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Good reply from thebrucie. Who knows? Perhaps this time around the connection can be healing but only make the connection if you want.

If it is your cousins and they had nothing to do with unhappiness from the past, perhaps there can be some shared camaraderie.

Facebook is weird for people popping out of nowhere to make contact - hold fast to your ideals chiquita.

ps - did you shake it good yesterday?

Date: 2008-09-23 03:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
There is some unhappy cousin stuff..but really it's the potential for healing I'm thinking of...


somejauntypolka: (Default)

January 2014


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