Whoa

Jan. 1st, 2014 09:14 pm
somejauntypolka: (Mara)
Forgive me Livejournal for I have sinned. It has been... over 3 years since my last confession?!?!? Huh. I checked back a few pages and it seems like the most prominent posters on my Flist are George R.R. Martin and Wil Wheaton. How strange. I wonder why they still keep a livejournal, acutually I wonder why people still continue here in genereal, and how I stopped. Time goes by SO very fast.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
My birthday's coming and I feel a bit blue. The last few years I've had a brilliant birthday bbq which has made me quite happy with umbrella drinks and burgers and hot dogs in the snow. For some reason I'm just not into it this year - maybe next year. Anyway, the day approaches and I have nothing planned and don't know if I want to have anything planned. Thing is, there's nothing concrete really that's troubling me, just ambivalence and it's a bit mystifying.

Other news. I've been to some amazing performances in the last few months - Savion Glover who is one of the world's finest tappers was in North Van with Bare Soundz - his tap crew. Each dancer had his own little wood (probably) hollow stage, like 3 little islands on the main stage. What was most interesting and compelling about the show is that this stage produced the most amazing sounds. Melodic rhythms were created by tapping on different parts of the stage and of course, by using different parts of the feet. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and took it in aurally. Tremendous.

A couple of weeks later, I checked out Mozaico Flamenco's Cafe de Chinitas. One of the artistic directors Oscar de la "Red Shoes" as he called himself, brought forward the idea that their troupe highlighted old tradition, new tradition and new wave flamenco. He even had an old flamenco singer on stage with him who sang in his raspy old guy voice while Oscar danced a few steps. I so deeply appreciate the continuation of music and dance traditions, not only that but how people weave them heartfully into something new. As the other co-director is the only Chinese professional flamenco dancer in Canada, they have also managed to weave in a bit of Chinese culture as well. The costumes were striking, vividly coloured. It was awesome.

My own dance has been interesting - bellydancing continues and I must choose where to go next. The dance climate has changed so much here in Vancouver. My troupe mates and I are the only dancers following our style of tribal style bellydance. It feels a bit isolated at times, but all of us feel strongly that this is what we want to continue to do - so we do. The question is, what next for me? How do I continue to move ahead? What am I working towards?

A few weeks back I completed 12 days of the Wild Rose Herbal Detox. It's a 12 day "cleanse" with no flour, sugar, dairy or fermented things. I did AWESOME. I think I cheated with sushi because it has rice wine vinegar in the rice but that didn't occur to me at the time. Here's what I noticed. I felt less reactive through the day. I was able to wake easily and sleep easily. My morning fogginess and likewise my mid afternoon sleepies just didn't happen. I also lost about 4 pounds which at first seemed a bit low but technically they say its safe to lose 1% of your body weight per week so for me that would be about 2.5 lbs. Not so bad. Favourite foods were ginger pear oatmeal, almond milk, almond butter on rice cakes, hummus on multigran brown rice crackers, garlic butter fine herb salmon and brown rice/kale pilaf.

Fitnesswise I've hit a good stride, bootcamp and dance supplemented by quality time with my rowing machine and local walks in parks near my house when it's nice. I'm feeling pretty motivated overall. At bootcamp the other day I remembered that I used to play Rugby in university. I was such a loner, and never really felt connected with friends at school so it shocked me to recall this. The thought that went through my mind was "OMG, you played team sports! What the heck possessed you to do that?" I remember practices in the rain, snow, mud, and it was Rugby and I was a forward so I was on the ground all the time. I wonder what changed between here and there, and what was alive in me then that I'm slowly reaching for now.

Personally, I felt a few months ago that I was ready to leave C if we couldn't work things out. Being with him really felt like a life or death battle to maintain my sense of self. Well, we decided to go back to counselling and our counsellor, while quirky, has helped us get to a place that we haven't been before:his desire for safety, my desire to be seen. Although our issues are far from resolved, the time we've put towards counselling sessions have allowed us to enjoying a bit more peace at home which has been important. I'm hopeful for whatever is to come.

Work has been excellent, I'm grateful for the friendships I'm building there. I really feel like I'm living in one of the best times of my life.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
I'm sick right now. It's like me and C play leapfrog with catching colds. For some reason, after a bug has been in his body I WILL get sick. I don't get it. I was sick just a few weeks ago and no one else caught anything, so why me? Nothing to do for it but wait it out. I went into work today a little late to catch a bit of extra Z's but by the end of the day I was still wiped. Sigh. It's frustrating. I hate hearing people say "gosh, you get sick a lot don't you?". So f'in what. I don't want to have to have a delicate immune system. I am TRYING to live a more healthful life... eatin' more fruit n' veg, working on getting more sleep etc.

On the flip side, Bodacious is having a 10th anniversary party celebration thingy tomorrow evening. SQUEE! Bodacious is a lovely plus size store that sells amazing clothes including stuff crafted by local designers. Down-side, it's a bit expensive but on the upside, it's nice to have some top notch options for clothing. I hope I feel better for it...

This weekend looks super cool with Thrill the World happening, An african dance workshop and show, a workshop about addressing violence in activist,trans,queer communities, a possibility to do dinner with friends etc. Dang. Hope I'm up to it.

ARRRRRGh.

Oct. 14th, 2010 06:39 pm
somejauntypolka: (Default)
I have been eagerly awaiting cute new shoes that I bought on Ebay. They arrived yesterday but I wasn't there to receive them. My partner stayed home sick today and I figured he could receive them for me. I was chanting "shoes shoes shoes" as I pulled up to my house. I saw the DHL tag on the door and no package awaiting me. "I guess they didn't come?" I asked. "Yeah they did. But there was I fee so I rejected them."

...

Rejected. My. Shoes.

And now it's after hours so I can't call them to find out if they're y'know, down the street at the local DHL rejected packages station or if they're on their sad and lonely way back to Jolly Old without me.

WTF??!?!? And Sniffle, but seriously. WTF?!??!!!!!!
somejauntypolka: (Default)
I keep telling myself and others that I'd like to find my way back here. That I'd like to write more. That I'd like to write at ALL, to go through the process of collecting and gathering my thoughts and committing them to virtual paper. Of course things come up, I distract myself with this that and the other and I forget about it.

Sometimes I dream about writing letters. Proper letters, pen and ink, pages and pages long; to the people that I care about, the people I miss... heck the people who are right nearby but that I don't see or chat with often. Oh what grandiose plans.

For the moment, I just have to start somewhere. To ground myself in what I want to do by saying it out.

This weekend I attended a wedding. I like weddings. This wedding, was not exactly my thing as the participants were for the most part Obviously Christian. I generally don't care what people believe, I just know that I'm not particularly comfortable in the presence of God or Jesus and he/they/it was invoked a plenty.

Anyway, I observed something that left me feeling a bit anxious about the future. The groom's grandparents wanted to present a poem to him, and a song. Oma and Opa were ancient. Together they slowly made their way to the mic and warbled their way uncertainly through a poem and then later a song. Opa's voice was strong as he confidently sang the harmony line of a hymn that I bet he's been singing for years. In the past, I imagine that he could sing it a bit more in tune. Their daughter and granddaughters joined them, holding them close and singing together as a family.

It was their faces that really affected me. Their facial expressions appeared sour at a first glance, incongruent for the occasion. It was then that I realized that what I was looking at was the inexorable hand of age loosening the corners of their mouths and softening their brows. Shrouding their features with wrinkles and translucent skin. It occurred to me that they had been together a long time, and I imagined that what they saw when they looked into each other's face was something altogether different.

I wondered who would look into my face when I am that old, and remember my smile, the richness of my laugh resonating through firm vocal cords. Who would remember or recognize my smile, the sharp flash of my teeth. Who would hold my hand and love me unconditionally when I sing off-key or stumble over my words. Who would I give such a gift to and who would be honored by that giving.

This year, I turn 36. I remember so clearly being 11 and thinking that 17 was grown up. Being in my mid thirties has meant having to open my eyes to my future. I used to have the luxury of not really having to think or worry about it before. Today I have the luxury, patience and attention to contemplate and dream up long-term investments. The harvests I can collect in 1, 5, 15, 30 years. It's like I gained the ability to see into the future.

Sigh. It's a little scary, but okay too. Guess it just comes with the territory.
somejauntypolka: (Mara)
Just got back from Breitenbush and seriously, I can't settle down and get to bed. So many amazing, confusing, unexpected, curious things have come my way that I almost don't know what to do with myself.

Let me start at the end, shall I? Just now before I got to my house I swear I saw a big white owl flying low over Marine Way, across my path and above the car. Honest. I don't know what else it could have been. It was distinctly a thick, bulky bird and at a glance it's head looked kinda wrong (ie round and owl like rather than beaky and birdlike) it was 11:40pm! How strange. I'll have to look up BC birds and see if that was even possible.. I've never seen an owl in the flesh, er feather before. Was that a good sign?

Then before that, sweet jebus, after a weekend of vegetarian food, can I possible describe the bliss I experienced at Mrs.Beasley's hamburger stand at Exit 59 off of the I5? Deluxe cheeseburger and a peanut effin' butter malt. Damn.

Mostly whats keeping me up right now is the conversations I had, things I wanted to look up when I got home, one person in particular - her dance, her art. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with music, videos, information, pictures, everything.

There's always tomorrow, eh?
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Sigh. C was sick most of this week and last night I felt it starting for me at the back of my throat. The recipe for wellness? Superdoses of Vit C, sleep, warmth and fluids. That's what needs to happen. I hope I'm sick all weekend and better for work on Monday. Wish me luck.

I'm trying to understand and rekindle my relationship with my body. After that weekend I spent down town walking around: the rally, the flash mob, the women's march and my subsequent uncomfortable and sharp jump down from a low rise my right knee has been painful. I skipped ballet thinking that that would definately be an aggravator and then went to tap on thursday. Saturday my knee hurt so I limped around in pain for most of the day. Sunday - all gone. Better. I went to ballet on Tuesday and felt great. Went to tap on thursday and there it was *twinge* the knee. Tap is the only dancing that I do *in shoes* maybe the assertions that my massage therapist made about flat feet and arch support has some kinda sense.

So I've decided. I think I have another 10 solid years of pain free dance in me (barring dance related injury) but I really need to see some sort of practictioner who will look at my feet, my knees, my legs, my hips and tell me what I need to proactively do to keep those strong, straight legs in tip top dance condition. I'm thinking my chiropractor is a good place to start but aside from that I don't know who else would be willing to join me on my misison of proactive joint health . A massage therapist? Doctor? Sports medicine Dr? Occupational therapist? Physiotherapist?
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Feeling vaguely unsettled today, but otherwise doing well.

I've had the pleasure of admiring the moon these last few nights. On her back, she was reclined. Her curve almost fragile seeming in it's thinness. The points of her horns needle sharp. It's quite amazing how her appearance can so belie her reality. Delicate and beautiful to the eye, a barren mass of rock to the universe. Both fragile and strong.

I pulled myself from the pain and depression of past years by becoming tough. Hardening around my soft interior until I convinced myself it wasn't there. No tender underbelly. No fatal flaw. Weakness was my only weakness - or so I thought.

Today I realize that it's my soft center that makes me loveable and receptive to love. My fragility that makes me precious and worthy of not only my own care but the care of others. This has been the toughest lesson to learn. That I, like the moon am everchanging. Within my own cycle I can wield the warrior full and bright and in the quiet times, lay back and offer my belly to the stars.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
This year is my year - the year of the tiger. Any other tigers out there? Anyone have any Chinese new year info to share?
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Popped back here the other day and wow, something about this place feels like home. I like how my page here is all dark and cozy instead of the sterile, homogenous whitey mc white white of ipods, macs and facebook. I like how I have history here. It's a shock to recall that I started LJ in 2001 - nearly a decade ago. I miss the insight and the careful, gentle collection of thoughts. The world is faster today than I think anyone could have imagined. Is this what time travel looks like? Minutes that fly by at the speed of text and entire experiences measured in 140 characters?
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Tonight was the my last modern class. I am so very proud of myself for all the hard work I've done this year physically. I was able to do everything that was thrown in me and damn, I never for a second that being able to do a plank would EVER come in handy. Go me!
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Some lovely things from my day...

Figuring out to complete a haiku I've been working on.

Lying in the grass at Trout lake, listening to the birds and feeling the wind blowing warmly across my face. Being punked by my co-worker/friend flinging grass at my head.

Driving home from dance practice along this fun windy road in Champlain Heights, marvelling at how the trees are now full and lush. A cool green corridoor, the wind blowing through my window.

Watching my dear friends dance.

Kissing my honey goodnight.

Dancing, sweating, living.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
The other evening, I spent my work dinner break taking a little field trip to Continental Coffee for one of the best latte's on the drive. You can't beat the price either, cuz you get a double 16 ouncer for just $2.85 - that's pocket change thanks to the good old loonie and twoonie. As I passed the liquor store I noticed a young man sitting on the street with a coffee cup in his hand. His face and neck were tattooed, he was wearing a grimy ball cap and he had a black pit bull snuggled against his side.

"Spare some change?" he said, looking at me through bleary, reddened eyes.

I shook my head and looked him in the eye. Without pausing, I gave him an encouraging smile. I was just few steps away when I heard him calling to my back.

"Can you answer a question for me? Why don't people give a fuck about the homeless?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, then I spun on my heel and strode back to him.

"You think that because I didn't give you money, I don't give a fuck about the homeless?" My voice was a low growl, my tone incredulous.

"Well... uh... no..." he stammered. "I mean, people. I just wonder about people. why don't they give a fuck? Ok, so I'm drunk." He was petulant now his voice almost a whine. "But I'm not a bad person."

I couldn't believe it. How could he not know this? Seriously, how can he be sitting there on the street outside the liquor store pan handling and really be asking this question? Asking me this question? Me on a short break from my work with my feminist politics and anti-oppression analysis right in the forefront of my mind. I thought about racism and sexism. I thought about the olympics, the downtown east side and the colonization of Canada's aboriginal peoples. I thought about war and about violence against women.

"Because people are assholes!" I threw back. "People are mostly crap". We looked at each other for a moment, him sipping booze out of a Starbucks cup, me with my hands jammed deep in my pockets - fingers curled protectively around my $3 salvation. Finally, I sighed. "I'm still not going to give you any money," I said breaking the silence. "but you're wrong. I do care about the homeless and the poor. Take it easy, have a good night."

"Yeah."
somejauntypolka: (Default)
2 things...

Thing 1: Dine out Vancouver is on from Jan 15 - Feb 1. I loves DOV, I do. If you wanna do dinner with me I'm free Tuesday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday evenings.

Thing 2: Burn the Floor. I think tickets are like um... $40-60 depending on seats. I plan to go to the Saturday night show.

Lemme know!
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Oh boy 2009, here we come. I don't like resolutions but I do want to think about some of my hopes for the year. First and foremost more family time/dinners for my lil poly family and me. Date nights with Ole since our time together has become more co-habitaty and less romantic/datey. More contact with my mom and dad.

I am passionate about bootcamp and learning how to to commit to fitness, be it bootcamp, Curves, dance classes or Aquafit. I'm looking forward to getting familiar with moving mah body reguarly. I'm looking forward to the next piece of work I'll be doing with my counsellor and the rekindling of compassion between C and I.

I want to fill this year with dance, theatre, fun, shows and friends. I want to read some fabulous books and write more. I want to see people in my life that have fallen off the radar. I'm looking forward to the trips I'm taking to Seattle, Breitenhbush in portland in April with [livejournal.com profile] pale_pink and to Desire with [livejournal.com profile] sumcheekymonkey. I want to visit my friends in Calgary. I want to actualize some even bigger travel plans.

I want to earn more money, and finish my Counselling diploma this year.

I want to build or contribute to a new tribal style bellydance troupe.

I want to continue to negotiate and nurture mutually enriching poly relationships with all the people I'm dating.

Looks like a lot. It isn't though cuz these seeds have been planted long ago and can only continue to flourish and thrive.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
There was a while there a few months ago when I was in it. I mean, *really* in it. My life, that is. I was seeing people and going to events. I even danced in two gigs last month! In relationships things were smokin' in certain quarters: I reconnected with an old flame, had several hot dates with a couple of yummy women I'd been chasing and had lots of fun. In that time I also attended a job interview and accepted the transition of my current temp job into a permanent position. I took on an additonal work day a week. I busted my ass on a halloween costume for a party that I ended up being too sick to attend. Alongside all of that, C and I have been seeing a couples counsellor every week for the past couple of months which has been intense and deep.

No wonder I've been sick for the last 3 weeks now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I resent having to go to work. Losing myself in MMORPGS, curling up on the couch and watching shows with a honey is the only thing that really appeals. I am unmotivated and bored. I'm yearning for something different. I want to want exercise, dance, to read something interesting and write something satisfying. I want to want to enjoy a performance and be entertained. I want to feel some sense of excitement.

I want to get better.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
Anyone wanna go see this: http://skonen-blades.livejournal.com/299015.html with me? It's a victorian gothic horror play thingummy. 20 bux. On til the 15th.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
It's taken a while but I feel like I'm pretty comfortable dressing my body. I mean, I really do get it: my sense of style, my unique shape etc. Unfortunately one of the ways that I've coped with my size is to allow myself the adjective "cute". Not beautiful, not fashionable or stylish, but "cute". About a month ago I had gotten dressed and ready to go out and asked Ole "Do I look cute?". His reply pissed me off. "Honey..." he says, "...a 35 yo woman can't be cute. You look nice." I was so mad. First of all I'll be 34 in December. 34!!! He added two whole years to my age! Secondly I paniced. If I'm not cute, then what am I? Nice? Admitting to looking "nice" means jumping back into the pool with all the size 10 - 34B's out there which inevitably leads to not-as-nice-looking-as-them land. Sigh.

That conversation plus a co-workers comment about removing her labret when she turns 30 (next year) plus a recent episode of what not to wear leaves me really really really wondering if I'm (and I can't believe that this phrase is coming out of my mouth) dressing appropriately for my age. I'm really wondering about this. I buy stuff online all the time and it looks super cute in the pictures so I order it, it arrives I wear it only once because even though it looks fine, something's not quite right. I think if I were being honest - that's what it is. Bleh... And frankly - fat adds extra cuteness, like babies and kids. If/when I shed some pounds, I'll look different. I'll look more my age - like a woman in her mid-30's.

I don't know what to do. for a long time I've had a fantasy of finding one of those personal stylist people who can go shopping with me and help me find an outfit that rocks is just a little bit alt and appropriate for my age. If you know someone - hook me up.
somejauntypolka: (Default)
On CBC this afternoon (gawd I love the CBC) I heard a live interview with the musician Tricky. He said something along the lines of "everyone is a success waiting to happen. That success just hasn't happened yet." That sentiment, on this particular afternoon, really hits the spot.
somejauntypolka: (Audrey - pondering)
There is a history of trauma abuse in my family that spans generations. This legacy finds my mother entering her crone years not in wisdom and grace but in mortal combat with mental illness. This truth has touched my father and myself as well - both of us unwillingly caught in the periphery of the blast. As a result, contact with my biological family on my mother's side is minimal. Bitterness, anger and disfunction have thrived in that garden. Each and every contact is marred by bad memories and suspicion.

So imagine my ambivalence when a cousin decided to reach out to me on Facebook. Since then, one cousin has led to another and in a few short weeks, I find myself suddenly, with family. In her message, she reminded me that our tanty (grandmother) had 10 children after all. There are many more cousins to be found.

This is odd for me. I'm in my thirties now, and some of them are older still. I mean, I've lived my whole life with it being just me my mom and my dad and a couple of uncles and in laws on my dad's side. Although my dad isn't my father by blood, he's the only dad I will ever know. With these cousins however, I share the almighty blood.

So what's is the point of this contact? Biology? Shared history? What do we really have to say to each other? So far our messages look a little like personal ads: 33/f/vancouver, no smoking, no kids. I don't know if I'll ever see these strangers. Don't even know how long this will last. I am poor at keeping in touch.

I feel so uncertain. A smaller, younger part of me remembers vividly the meaness and cruelty that I experienced by them when we were kids. Then later, the chaos created by aunts when I was a teen/woman. There are no good memories. Despite this, another part of me hopes that a connection can be made. Maybe I'll be able to unravel a bit more of this tangled picture and ease open a knot that's so tight it hurts every day. That maybe I'll get to see that I'm not alone in bearing this load.
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